Everyone can tell “one of those weeks” stories, but my knack for the bizarre seems to have risen to prize winning levels lately. Since I’ve moved to Colorado ten months ago, besides the usual burns, scrapes, bumps and bruises, I have walked into an open door in the middle of the night almost knocking myself out and giving myself a bruise on my cheek, dropped a can of Diet Coke on my foot requiring a three day stay on the couch, fallen down my stairs three times, I got a little arrogant about my aiming skills at the recycle bin and ended up picking up broken glass, cutting my finger pretty badly in the process, an ovarian cyst burst… I know there are more self-inflicted injuries, but after a while they tend to run together.
This week has been another of those totally bizarre, but kinda funny episodes in my already strange life.
Saturday night, I went to work in the church nursery and expected our usual seven or eight rather sleepy children to be dropped off. Instead, there were fourteen. All of whom either had allergies, were on a sugar high, or had no diaper bag. Three adults to deal with fourteen children really should have been enough, but we were seriously outnumbered. The height of the night was when, out of the corner of my eye, I caught Jake shoving a little girl, who promptly punched him in the face. Her mom was also working and we looked each other, laughed, and decided it was a draw. (Neither of us are really fine with punching or shoving, but under the circumstances, they both kind of deserved it!) Apparently, Jake appreciates his Only Child status and turned into a screaming, barfing octopus every time I touched or looked at another child. Thankfully, by the time parents came to pick up their children, everyone was changed, fed, sleepy and more or less happy and the three of us adults took a deep breath and said, “Wow!”
As I was heading out the door, I got a text from Greg saying, “Keep your phone on. The dogs ran away.” Since Jack and Lucy are chipped and tagged, I expected a neighbor to call us within a few minutes to come retrieve our runners. An hour went by and no call. I went out in the truck several times, calling their names and jingling dog treats. I stopped every person I could find to see if they had spotted our dogs. No luck. I was starting to get worried. There was only so much we could do to find two black dogs at night and so at about 10:00 p.m., we decided we had to stop looking. We headed for bed, but of course, sleep wasn’t coming. I got up and drove around the busy streets, praying I wouldn’t find bodies on the road. I made myself go back home and get back in bed. I woke up after only a few minutes of sleep and spent the next two hours praying and wandering around the house. I finally ended up on the couch around 2:00 a.m., where I poured out my heart to God, telling Him, “I can’t lose them. Please don’t take them away. I don’t think my faith handle that right now, not after everything else we’ve through.” Greg got up to see if I was okay and as I finished telling him what I’d been praying, he looked out the front window and said, “They’re right there!” Sure enough, they were running up the front steps, tongues hanging out and looking pretty stinkin’ pleased with themselves. I burst into tears again and hugged them both as tight as I could. Lucy emptied out the toilet bowl, her favorite place to get water, and they both crashed out on our bed. I finally went to sleep about an hour later, so thankful that they were home.
A little bleary eyed, I woke up the next morning and had quite a shock. I had a huge black eye! I had forgotten that the day before, I had put blue in my hair, and needed to blow dry my hair. Hair dryer in my right hand, I was blow drying the left side of my head, I reached up to open a cabinet with my left hand. My hand slipped off the knob of the cabinet and hit my hair dryer, which hit my eye. So, I believe I’m the only person in the world to have a blow-drying related black eye. And here it is…
I thought, “Ok, rough weekend, but it’s Monday, so it’s all going to be fine now”. Nope.
Yesterday, I took the Roving Maniacs for a walk, Jake in his backpack and everything was going along fine when Lucy saw a squirrel and lost her mind. She jumped up into the air, flailed around and came crashing back down and into my knee. Which went sideways. While the rest of the rest of me went forwards. I don’t recommend this particular combination of movements. I spent some time resting and icing and today seemed to be going better. I was even bored at one point.
Whenever I declare my boredom, the universe laughs maniacally and conspires against me to alleviate my boredom.
The lawn needed to be watered and in the few seconds it took me to go outside and turn on the sprinkler, the universe whispered a plan to Jake, who was only too glad to play along. He shut AND locked the back door, leaving me outside, with no keys and no cell phone. And, then, locked HIMSELF in my bedroom and screamed. A mother is programmed to Go To Her Child when he starts to scream and the only thing her brain allows her to think is “Go! Go! Go! GO!”. Which leaves no room for problem solving. I ran frantically around the house, trying all the windows, all of which I had diligently locked to avoid another break-in. Except one. Which is twelve feet off the ground and very small. The actual bandits rejected this very window as being too difficult to get through. So, after discovering that my neighbors are useless in the ladder department, I kicked off my flip flops and did this…
And jumped from the chair to the window…
and climbed through the window onto the china laden cabinet, jumped to Jake’s highchair and onto the ground.
I grabbed Jake, who was still screaming, hugged him and rocked him until we both calmed down.
Right now, he’s in his room thinking about what he’s done. Actually, I think he’s trying to throw his ten pound monkey out of his crib, but whatever.
I sat down to drink some water, take a breath, pick the gravel out of my toes, and have a good laugh. And had the horrifying thought that, ” It’s only Tuesday! Wednesday is going to have to have something pretty special to top this one.”