I’ve been silent from the blogging world for the last four months. It hasn’t been on purpose.
For the first time in my entire life, I’ve had nothing to say. Life has been clipping along at it’s usual pace, so it’s not as if there hasn’t been anything going on. There has been plenty happening and a lot of it should have gotten it’s own entry, or, at least a section of an entry.
I don’t know exactly why, but my “voice” is gone. If you aren’t familiar with a writer’s voice, it’s the thing that nags me to write, sometimes yelling at me so loud, I feel slightly schizophrenic. I have had to delay making dinner, exercising, or doing almost anything because I had to, had to, had to, sit down and write just so she would shut up and leave me alone. My voice gave me essay suggestions, helped me find the funny in the hard situations in life, and allowed me to feel creative and productive.
I have no idea why, but she went totally silent. It’s not un-like the first time you cut off all your hair and you instinctively go to flip your hair over your shoulder, only to find it’s not there. But, it’s worse than that. More like the sick feeling in your stomach when you miss a step down.
I feel wrong and my world is too quiet. I feel see-through and blank.
I’ve been trying to figure out why she’s gone. The last few months have been really tough, but not tougher than cancer, or my house burning down, or Jake being in the emergency room twice in one week. I had plenty to say then. I don’t know if it was one more thing piled on top of too much or if my voice took off because she was tired and worn out, too.
I don’t feel as weird and morbid and sad as this is sounding either. She would normally hang over one of my shoulders and make this all sound…right.
Just know that I’m not sitting in a dark room curled in a ball and sobbing or anything.
Today, as I was e-mailing my precious never-let-me-down girls, one of them asked why I haven’t been writing and even though they love me voice-less, I realized it was time to just freaking deal with it and write.
I had a glimmer of my voice last week, almost as if she was letting me know she wasn’t gone for good.
So, here I am. And, there it is.
And, Laura, Lexi, Sarah, Jesse, Becca, and both of my Ruths…thank you. I love you girls. So much. This post is for you.